Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

First Church of Zuppuology

Church of Zuppuology 2
R. Gayle Shiester:

Welcome to the First Church of Zuppuology!

Don’t you be Tarot-fied
We are here to help you fill the cultural vacuum
Don’t you be Tarot-fied
Just pay your dues to the estate of the founder

FRONK ZUPPU!!! FRONK ZUPPU!!!

Don’t try to look behind his eyes
(They are made of paper and/or pixels)
You don’t wanna know what he has seen
Don’t you ever try to look behind his eyes
(They are made of paper and/or pixels)
You don’t ever wanna know what they have seen

Only the First Church of Zuppuology knows the truth of Zuppu
Only We know the true way to Zuppu knowledge
Don’t mess with Zuppu blasphemy and Zuppu heretics
But follow the true path of Zuppu to Laurel Canyon

Zuppu Freak:

Oh Mystical Advisor
What is my problem, tell me
Can you see?

R. Gayle Shiester:

Well, you have nothing to fear, my son!
You are a Latent Litigation Fetishist,
It appears to me!

Zuppu Freak:

That all seems very, very strange
I have never craved a lawyer
Or been on a jury before

R. Gayle Shiester:

A Latent Litigation Fetishist
Is a person who refuses to admit to his or herself
That sexual gratification can only be achieved
Through the use of THE LAW . . .
Get the picture?

Zuppu Freak:

Are you telling me
I should go into a courtroom now
Mr. Gayle?

R. Gayle Shiester:

No, my son!
You must go into
BERGER KAHN
(the Club)

Zuppu Freak:

What?

R. Gayle Shiester:

And you will have

Zuppu Freak:

Eh?

R. Gayle Shiester:

A lot of fun!
That’s where they all live . . .
So if you want a
Lawyer to love you
You’ll have to go in there
‘N get you one

Zuppu Freak:

That seems simple enough . . .

R. Gayle Shiester:

But if you want a really GOOD one,
You’ll have to learn a foreign language . . .

Zuppu Freak:

German, for instance?

R. Gayle Shiester:

That’s right . . .
A lot of really cute ones come from over there!
These lawyers really go for a guy dressed up like a tribute band who can speak German (you know what I mean) . . .
(Fifty bucks, please)

Inside BERGER KAHN:

Little ugly lawyers dance around with tribute bands with names like Protect/Object, Kilt Ugly Ratio, Bogus Pimps, Muffled Men and Shocked Yembouties . . . and when Zuppu freak sees this one lawyer, with an enormous supeonas covered with . . . he BURSTS INTO SONG . . .

Before leaving the First Church of Zuppuology . . . and for small introductory fee . . . you can briefly enter the Ye Old Vault itself and stand in the very presence of an actual replica of the guitar that Hundrox gave Zuppu as a gift . . . also be awed by our newly renovated Utility Music Research Kitchenette — now completely redesigned and automated in line with our new corporate philosophy: Attack Anyone at Anytime For No Reason At All. Then relax in our new lounge PEW 38 and refresh yourself with a nice Freak Up Ale or a Kill Ugly Stout, before stopping by our friendly store to buy your entire family a Fronk Zuppu T-Shirt (comes in all sizes and made with care by happy Honduran workers), Portrait-sized jigsaw puzzles and posters of our founder . . . Pay toilets available in the atrium, just ask our lovely hostess Lucille for change.

kill ugly stout small

All terrestrial, extraterrestrial, and interdimensional rights reserved from this moment until the end of time itself. All music, art, images, text and other content are vicariously copyrighted for the world & the universe & beyond © The First Church of Zuppuology (unless otherwise noted). Zuppu, Fronk Zuppu & The Virgin Beard and other various hairs as of yet not grown are marks belonging to the First Church of Zuppuology. All Rights Reserved. Register & Vote for Hillary. Free Buttons for members.

Zuppu himself

This post is copyleft.

Gail On Air

Gail Zappa in an interview with Alex Jones, conspiracy theorist, radio host and filmmaker (who really needs to clear his throat every so often).

God Warrior

Via Andrew, check out this outrageous slice of video from a reality show called Wife Swap:

Dark sided! Dark sided! Be sure to watch the vid all the way through by the way, as harrowing an experience as it may be…

Zappa: Satan Worshipper

Who knew? (GodTube vid. You have been warned.)

Darwin Who?

Yes Yes! The earth is flat, the entire universe revolves around it, and there is no way we could have evolved from apes. About time you turn in your common sense for some groovy Creationism! See also.

Guess That Fundie!

Here’s a fun little quiz where you guess whether Jerry Falwell or Bin Laden made the quotes presented. I got 13 out of 20 right…
(Thanks to Gnarly Artly who scored 9/20)

H.E.R.B.

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US evangelist Jerry Falwell has died. Did a little “Falwell Zappa” googling and came across this: H.E.R.B. — “A Collection of Articles, Quotations, and Cartoons For Those Of Us Who Prefer Not To Live In A Theocracy”.

DeNameland

Let’s create a nation for FZ, shall we?

Build a nation and run it according to your own warped political ideals. Create a Utopian paradise for society’s less fortunate or a totalitarian corporate police state. Care for your people or deliberately oppress them. Join the United Nations or remain a rogue state. It’s really up to you.

The governmental style should obviously be Libertarian, its official religion the Church of American Secular Humanism (CASH). Should it be a republic? Which currency will it use? Any suggestions for a flag design, a name?

Via Boogeopia

Raggedy Rabbi

Raggedy Rabbi! Where there is existential doubt, Raggedy Rabbi comes to the rescue. Ain’t nothing like a Holy Book to solve your trouble!

rabbi.jpg

The Pitch That Was Naught

Fundies Say The Darndest Things!

… and when they do, you can be sure there’s a website devoted to it. Some quotes? Hang on to your pointed stick:

  • “A person who sold a slave did not make God sick like watching two men do it.”
  • “But God don’t talk in Arabic. He talks in a REAL language, namely, English. It’s true that back in them days He translated that to some other language after Speaking it in English, but after all, it’s His universe and He can do what He doggone well wants to do.”
  • “I appreciate your recommendation, and it is intriguing, but as a pro-lifer, I cannot support an organization that is opposed to the death penalty.”
  • “I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don’t think he’s ready to date yet. What’s worse is that he’s sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!”
  • “I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie”

Christian Clowns

Tired of YouTube? Maybe it’s time you checked out GodTube! For example: Christian Clown Training. Or how about A Summary Of Creation Science? Oh, and in other Christian Clown news, conservative christian leaders call climate change a “distraction”:

[...] Cizik and others are using the global warming controversy to shift the emphasis away from the great moral issues of our time. Those issues, the signers say, are a need to campaign against abortion and same-sex marriage and to promote “the teaching of sexual abstinence and morality to our children.”

It All Makes Sense To Me Now

Today’s Crackpot Conspiracy features Britney Spears’ shaven head, a very dead Anna Nicole Smith, Madonna and Janet Jackson’s right nipple. What do they have in common, you ask? Why, they’ve all been brainwashed by the Illuminati, silly!

Second Coming, Puerto Rican Edition

How refreshing: a minister with the number 666 tattooed on his arm:

Although it’s a number usually associated with Satan, not the son of God, de Jesus says that 666 and the Antichrist are, like him, misunderstood. The Antichrist is not the devil, de Jesus tells his congregation; he’s the being who replaces Jesus on Earth.

Funniest quote from the article though:

De Jesus’ claims of divinity have angered Christian leaders, who say he is a fake.

God Hates Fags: News At Eleven

Get this (via):

One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children’s listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy.

… which I guess pairs nicely with this hideous “OP/ED” on a site that has our pal John Lofton listed as one of the “editors”.

Challenge

Accept Jesus — while trying not to succumb to a seizure!
(via 7seconden)