The Zappa’s: A Collaborative Writing Effort

I have 6 gmail invites just waiting to be passed on, and who better to give them to than you, esteemed Hot Poop reader. Of course, you’ll have to do something in return. With that in mind, let’s indulge in a bit of collaborative writing, shall we? We’re going to write a mini “The Zappa’s” and the idea is that each participant in the comments takes the storyline off where the last one left it. First 6 respondants with valid email addresses get the invites. I’ll kick it off, you take it from there:

– Gail Zappa (GZ): Joe! Get your ass over here like, pronto!
– Joe Travers (JT): (stumbles out of the vault, covered in analog tape) Uh yeah?
– GZ: What’s that noise I hear comin’ out of the vault?
– JT: Uh well…

14 thoughts on “The Zappa’s: A Collaborative Writing Effort”

  1. – JT: Uh well… (cleans audiotape and dust off his hair)> … erm, I just had a look behind that shelf, you know the one with the dead rats, the chicken and the stuffed poodle. I saw that bit of tape lurking out and started pulling …
    – GZ: You did what? Who ever ordered you to pull any tape from anywhere? In the end we discover something worth releasing, like an unknown album or what not. Go stick it back in!
    – JT: Oh, you mean like “trans…”
    – GZ:
    (interrupring) DON’T ever mention that word around here no more or i’ll have you shave that cats! And chicken, too.
    – JT: So, you don’t even want to knwo what I found?

  2. Diva: Hey, Joe! Whadya Know?
    JT: Just got back from a dinosaur show!
    Diva: Oh, you boys and your pets. What are you and mom arguing about now?
    JT: Oh, I just found this loose magnetic tape from the early ’70’s just sort of pushed into a corner like someone was trying to hide it.
    Diva: …and you showed it to mom and she got pissed?
    JT: Major league pissed.
    Diva: Well, if you’re not going to do anything with it, may I have it?
    JT: Sure. What are you going to do with it?
    Diva: I have a really cool idea to knit it into a cap!
    JT: Well, at least that way it might see the light of day sometime.
    Diva: Wanna buy a cap?

  3. JT: Well, there went the “Hot Rats” sessions. It should make a great knit cap.
    Dweez walks in.
    Dweez: Hey Joe , I have a great idea . I am going to take all the 73 shows and mix them so it seems that Ricky Lancelotti , Ken Vassey , and Barry Leef are singing in harmony and release that in 5.1
    JT: Super, better ask Gail though.

  4. JT: Well, there went the ’73 shows. Better keep my mouth shut ’bout the other stuff i found.
    GZ: (peeps in thru the door) What other stuff?
    JT: Nothing
    GZ: Don’t fuck with me Travers. You’ve got something going. And why did you call Warner Bros?
    JT: I did not.
    GZ: OK As long you understand “We don’t release stuff, we just spread the rumours”

  5. Gail: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Hold it! Stop! Back up the tape. Start over. Don’t you pea brains see what’s happening here? Don’t you ever stop to think for yourselves? Do I have to do EVERYfuckingTHING aROUNd HerE? I told you to tell that fucking Barry to put a fucking muzzle on that fucking Bob Again. It never happened! Instead, Barry-boy is actually encouraging his merry little band to join in!
    Telephone Clerk in Bowels of ZFT Enterprises (TCIBOZFTE): in singsongy telemarketing-type voiceGreetings, Barfko Swill!
    Gail: Don’t give me that sweet-ass shit. This is Gail.
    TCIBOZFTE: Yez, Bozz. Ah, what can I do fo ya?
    Gail: Cancel Order No. 17548.
    TCIBOZFTE: Ah. that’s an invoice number, not order number.
    Gail: OK, pinhead, trace the order back and cancel it. Whatever you have to do.
    TCIBOZFTE: But boss, that’s the only order we’ve gotten in the last month. If I cancel it, we will be o-fer-september.
    Gail: I’ve taken my position and I’m not turning back. Cancel the fucker! Now!
    TCIBOZFTE: under breathGail’s a republican?

  6. Shipping and Receiving Guy in Bowels of ZFT Enterprises (SARGIBOZFTE): (in gruff s and r – type voice) BS S and R. I’m not able to take your call right now…
    TCIBOZFT: Pick-up jerkface. It’s me, Reggie.
    SARGIBOZFTE: My man. Yo, wassup?
    TCIBOZFT: I show the order on invoice no. 17548 has shipped. Any chance we can get that one back?
    SARGIBOZFTE: Shipped? Oh man, who you shittin’? I ain’t shipped nothin’. I can’t ship shit that don’t exist. Man, quit botherin’ me with this crap. Workin’ here is like workin’ in some kind of fool fantasy land.

  7. JT (contd) It’s the new, all-encompassing, perfect Zappa Cd that the entire world has been waiting for!!

    GZ- (sound of a low-yeild nuclear explosion)


  8. GZ: That Foehner guy isn’t making things any easier, is he. I mean: “sound of a low-yeild nuclear explosion”?
    Dweez: yeah but that deafening silence thing was like totally bitchin’ mom!
    GZ: Hrmph… Joe!
    JT: Uh yeah?
    GZ: Wipe that tape off your face!
    JT: Yes ma’am, uh…
    GZ: Is that Roxy Tape?!
    JT: Uh…

  9. A light shines down from heaven

    Big G: Gail

    GZ : What?? Who let you in here

    Big G: Gail, where’s my royalty check? 20 years of sitting in that SOFA with nothing but suat the magic pig for company depletes the finances. I still havent paid the celestial cops of engineers for the new floor.

    GZ: well we lost your invoice already. How about you send a new one to Barfco Swill. & while your at it, we’ve got a new album for you : 600 versions of sharleena in 72 channel sound!!

  10. JT: It’s actually more like 666 Version of Sharleena…
    Big G: Even better, let me get that mask with horns out again mwha mwha mwha (dust and bolders etc)
    Moon Unit (MU): who is making those new brown clouds? On my toenails? take them away!
    The central scrutinizer (TCS): (whispering) Joe watches in amazement at what people do for a Gmail account. Unbenknownst to the participants in this competition, the ZFT has sued google for using that name, because it sounds just like “gail”. They claim that all google did, was stick an “m” in there. And then, suddenly:

  11. …and then suddenly:
    A luxury mini-bus carrying a dozen grey attorneys and a mysterious 13th passenger is stopped for speeding heading north on the 5.

    CA HiWay Patrol (CHP): You boys have any idea how fast you were going?
    Head Grey Atty (HGA): Why, no, officer. Actually, I believe our speedometer is broken.
    (CHP): Tell it to the judge. Hey, what’s that smell? You boys been smokin’ toenails in there? Everybody out of the car!
    (MU): What’s going on? Officer? Do you have any idea who I am?
    (HGA): Moon, settle down. Let me handle this.
    (CHP): Moon? You’re not…

  12. GZ: Hey Joe (apologies to Hendix) did you get the track list for the new virtual CD release done
    JT: Yeah Gail. The guys at KUR are gonna love this one. 3 extended mixes of Frank doing John Cage’s 4’33, recorded 1n 1988. Frank forgot to include them on the final mix of the best band you never heard in your life.

    GZ: Excellent Joe. That will stick one up Barry for not giving me a g mail address.

    By the way, what will we call it??

    JT: I was thinking “Joes nullage’

    MU: Bitchin

  13. JT: “that noise coming from the vault ? Oh yeah; that noise ! Well it’s the sound of your old man spinning in his fucking grave at the mess we’re making of his legacy.”

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