The Tunes That Make You Cringe

[Slap]

Getting off the whole "worst" mindset....What grand singles just make your skin crawl?  Since this is a personal visceral response kind of thing, it's certain that we should have a nice range of responses.  Let's have a little fun, shall we?

[Slap]

Here's a few gems off the top of my head:

"Seasons in the Sun" -- Terry Jacks
"The Night Chicago Died" -- Paper Lace
"Billy, Don't Be A Hero" -- Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
"Afternoon Delight" -- Starland Vocal Band
"Honey" -- Bobby Goldsboro

Real chestnuts, I know.  But hearing ANY of these causes waves of nausea for me.  Some singles are so bad that I can't help but crack up -- but these don't inspire anything resembling affection....

[Lonesome Cowboy Squirt]

Hoooooooooweee!  Slapman, you have just opened up a big ol' can o' worms, huh?

Here's my list of shit that makes me consider running amok favorite classics:

"Man, I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain.  First of all, the pun in the title makes me wanna barf.  Secondly, the feeble attempt to modulate to different keys just doesn't work (in my humble opinion).

"Say You'll Be There" by the Spice Girls.  Sorry, but that harmonica solo in the middle is just plain off.  You guys probably know which phrase I'm talking about; what's worse, the harp player commits this atrocity TWICE.

"Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Ritchie.  This one is just too nice.  The "Oh, what a feeling" line always reminds me of that Toyota commercial that was on air about the same time.

"I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith.  Now, under normal circumstances, I like most of Aerosmith's material, but this one drives me to drink.  Heavily.

"Ain't That a Lot of Love" by Simply Red.  Corny.  I could destroy all I see in a five mile radius when I hear this guy open his mouth.  It's not that he can't sing - he can.  There's just a taste issue here....

Aaaaand (insert drumroll here) my current favorite annoying song that makes me wanna puncture my eardrums with knitting needles:

The special, touching R&B version of "Every Breath You Take" by Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Piff Dooty, Duff Pity, or whatever that talentless moron is calling himself this week.

[SOFA]

Posted by: Slap
(God, I love this man)
"Seasons in the Sun" -- Terry Jacks
"The Night Chicago Died" -- Paper Lace
"Billy, Don't Be A Hero" -- Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
My skin is crawling at present...
"Afternoon Delight" -- Starland Vocal Band
"Honey" -- Bobby Goldsboro
Awww, Slap!
While I admit, the lyrical content of 'Afternoon Delight' is vomit-inducing, I gotta say tho' that the melody line of the song, along with the harmonics, and the way it's performed is actually rather pleasant.
It IS hard to get past those lyrics, tho'...
And Honey? C'mon, Goldsboro did worse; or have you forgotten "Watching Scotty Grow?"
(I bet you don't care for "Oh Babe, What Would You Say?" by Hurrican Smith either...
"I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith.
Good call... Great band; sorry tune.
Okay, how would I carry this on?
Sugar Sugar by The Archies
Gimme dat Ding by The Pipkins (tho' I loved "Meh Nah Meh Nah", so don't get me started...)
Hair by The Cowsills (again, I love "The Flower Girl" {pun intended}, so don't get me started)
Silhouettes on the Shade by Hermins Hermits - the original, and Nylons version rock, however.
In the Year 2525 by Zager & Evans
Indiana Wants Me by (jeez, I don't remember)
Julie, Do You Love Me by Bobby Sherman
Oh, Sweetpea by Tommy Roe
(Jesus, somebody STOP me!!!)
SOFA
If this posted twice, it's not my fault

[Noolie]

Hmmmm....where to start?

Ok, without a doubt the song that rises bile in my throat has got to be Muskrat Love by  Captain and Tenile - Carpenters?  I'm not sure who did it....but it was a mistake.

Another non fav is from the Dirty Dancing Sound Track - I Had the Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes.

Others:
Lady in Red - Chris Deburg
Together Forever - Rick Astley
Wake Me up Before You Go-Go - Wham

oh God I can't stop....
Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Poofinger - I mean Cyrus
Macarena - Los del Rio
My Angel is a Centerfold - J Geils Band
Don't Worry be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
Abracadabra - Steve Miller Band

Thanks for the tip of the iceburg Slap.
I have to go puke.

[zappa6995]

ok...how about:

puppy love - the osmonds

sunshine on my shoulders - john denver

me and you and a dog named boo - lobo (also done be the brady bunch...who did another cringer...it's a sunshine day)

heartbeat (it's a love beat) - defranco family

have to go now...not feeling too good.

[Slap]

Hoooooooooweee!  Slapman, you have just opened up a big ol' can o' worms, huh?


Well, I think of it as yet another opportunity to provide value-added services.

And Honey? C'mon, Goldsboro did worse; or have you forgotten "Watching Scotty Grow?"
(I bet you don't care for "Oh Babe, What Would You Say?" by Hurrican Smith either...


Yes, he did indeed do worse; I also remember See the Funny Little Clown -- skin crawling as we speak -- but Honey is the only one that crops up on the sort of radio station that gets played in waiting rooms.  And you're right about ol' Hurricane.  BTW, love you for reminding me.

Hair by The Cowsills (again, I love "The Flower Girl" {pun intended}, so don't get me started)


Agreed on BOTH points.  Flower Girl was a real preteen favorite -- I was a sucker for those Mamas and the Papas-style soaring harmonies/melodies.

Don't Worry be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
My Angel is a Centerfold - J Geils Band


Can't agree on these.  I suppose I can understand annoyance at the melody and lyrics on both.  For me, Bobby could do nearly any type of tune, and I'd still be amazed and fascinated by the incredible inventiveness of the ways in which he uses his vocal instrument.  And since the bulk of my memories of -- and regard for -- J. Geils are based on everything they did up to Ladies Invited, I forgive their commercial foray.  Too bad it was for things like Centerfold, but they were a KICK-ASS band that deserved to make some bucks.

"Man, I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain.
Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Poofinger - I mean Cyrus


Commercial country -- from any era -- probably deserves its own special corner of this particular topic.  When it comes to industrial-strength cheese, it's hard to beat the Nashville machine and their relationship with their target demographic over the years.  For sheer garbage, I prefer the '70s Nashville Sound, exemplified by the breathtaking aural diarrhea of "Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me" by Mac Davis.  (NOW the skin is really crawling....)

Which reminds me.  Most of the tunes we've listed were -- justifiably -- are of the one-hit variety.  But in my own mind, there's another sub-category I like to think of as the Special Seat in the Place Where the Guy With the Horns and Pointed Stick Lives, which can be awarded for lifetime or extraordinary accomplishments.  I can think of two nominees for this award:

Paul Anka: for career accomplishment, but particularly for taking a big sloppy dump on the world by penning and releasing "You're Having My Baby".  

Lee Greenwood: well, for everything.

[Noolie]

ooooooo, right in mid yak I remembered another classic,

Ebony and Ivory by Paul Mcartney and Michael Jackson.

Talk about feel good commercialism.  I wouldn't be surprised if this song alone sewed the seed for some backwoods hate group.  One small step for multiculturalism, one giant step for cheeze.

Thank God Public Enemy levelled the playing field.

[SOFA]

the Special Seat in the Place Where the Guy With the Horns and Pointed Stick Lives which can be awarded for lifetime or extraordinary accomplishments:
Okay, I'll bite.
Here's a couple:
1) Ron Dante. Probably best known for his work as a producer for Barry Manilow, Cher, Dionne Warwick, Pat Benatar, Irene Cara, Ray Charles, John Denver and others, he was the driving force behind Barry Manilow. Dante produced "Mandy", "I Write The Songs", "the Grammy winning "Copacabana" and "Could It Be Magic". Pop music fans know Ron Dante as the man who performed "Sugar, Sugar" - voted 'Song Of The Year' in 1969... an era dominated by the Beattles, the Rolling Stones and hard rock. Lots of music lovers hum Ron Dante's tunes without even knowing it. Dante was the singing voice in "You Deserve A Break Today" for McDonalds. His voice has been heard in spots for Coca Cola, American Airlines, Budweiser and dozens of other well known products...
This is the 'Inferno' award, right? Coincidence in the name? I think not.
2) Paul Williams.
'Nuff said.

[Lonesome Cowboy Squirt]

me and you and a dog named boo - lobo
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That hurt.

Despite my grave injuries and crawling skin, I shall divulge my nominees for the the Dante's Infernal Racket Award (for lifetime achievement of cheeze above and beyond the call of dooty, er, duty):


1.  Ricky King - this guy doesn't even need to utter a word and still manages to make skin crawl worldwide.  Perhaps he's the inspiration for "My Guitar Wants to Kill your Mama"?

2.  Andrew Lloyd Webber, for reasons I don't wish to elaborate.

[Slap]

2.  Andrew Lloyd Webber, for reasons I don't wish to elaborate.

Now THERE'S a name I revile with great enthusiasm.  Funny thing is, the original studio recording of "JCS" was more than tolerable (with that brilliant Ian Gillan performance), and the original studio recording of "Evita" -- whose existence is virtually unknown to most people -- featured a blistering, amazing performance by Julie Covington.  After that, though, the effects of Webber's regular usage of the Puccini Enema became too prominent to ignore, and he richly deserves inclusion with the Ankas, Greenwoods and Dantes of the world.   Bravo for making this extremely important inclusion -- the Lifetime Achievement award would be far less credible if he had been omitted.

[Barry]

Quite a fascinating thread this... I have a couple to add that you may or may not know; but trust me: they suck, as much as they get stuck in your head.

Paloma Blanca - George Baker Selection (dutch group, supposed to be a world hit, but certain sources tell me it's not)
Hello - Lionel Ritchie (that video! that blind chick sculpting LR's face! good god. pass the mouthwater)
Can't take my eyes off of you - Frankie Valli (what can i say. kitch deluxe.)
Wind Of Change - Scorpions (okay, I'm starting to get a bit nauseous now)
Kung Fu Fighting - Carl Douglas (yup, getting more nauseous as we speak)
Final Countdown - Europe (close to barfing people, stand back)
I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue (nice tits, though)
Africa - Toto (snicker... that video!)
I Will Always Love You -  The Whitney Houston Version (i feel so much better since she started to get into cocaine and lay off the music)

More when I get back from the bathroom...

[Slap]

Quite a fascinating thread this...

I agree....thought it would be just fun, but it's pretty damned fascinating.  Either we have no lives, or it's refreshing to find thoughtful AND humorous evaluations of cheese and its role in our lives.

Hello - Lionel Ritchie

Hmm.  Videos create an entirely different subcategory, I think; nonetheless, a convincing case could be made for a Lucifer for Mr. Ritchie's overall contribution to cheese.

Can't take my eyes off of you - Frankie Valli

EPIC cheese.  Bravo!

Final Countdown - Europe

A special achievement in Cheesedom, to be sure.  I'm hard pressed to find a more adept example of a tune that manages to plaigarize the most bombastic melodic, structural and production elements of several genres during one of the most astonishingly predictable and vapid melodies in the history of mankind.  A true gem in dungdom.

I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue (nice tits, though)

An important observation.  Nice tits always mitigate cheese achievements, to a degree.  Some things don't qualify as cheese due to some forgivable extraordinary characteristic -- the aforementioned tits, for example, or in the case of Missing Persons, nice tits AND musicians whose other achievements overshadow their trip to the Cheese Side.

[Barry]

Ebony and Ivory by Paul Mcartney and Michael Jackson.

Wasn't Ebony & Ivory by McCartney & Stevie Wonder? Macca did one with Jackson called "The Girl Is Mine", which actually qualifies entirely for mentioning in this thread. (Yes...yes... I have the Thriller album...)

[Lonesome Cowboy Squirt]

Wasn't Ebony & Ivory by McCartney & Stevie Wonder? Macca did one with Jackson called "The Girl Is Mine", which actually qualifies entirely for mentioning in this thread. (Yes...yes... I have the Thriller album...)

Yes, indeedy!  BING!  Good eye, Mr. Barry.  In the name of all accuracy, I hereby grant one Plooker Point to Barry.

Final Countdown - Europe

Oh dear...I've been trying to suppress any sort of memory of that song.  HONK!  As a result, I do hereby revoke one Plooker Point from Barry.  Sorry, that's the breaks.